What, exactly is equity? How is it different from equality?
As needs and wants are different for each relationship, negotiations and discussions won’t always be easy. Some couples, triads, pods, or webs might want equality in their agreement while others are seeking equity. In some cases, they may want a combination somewhere between the two, or different models across the different relationships in which they participate.
Poly-equity
The notion that every person’s needs are taken into consideration during the negotiations even though they might differ or even contradict one another. This model typically requires more complex negotiations. For many, this model feels authentic.
Poly-equality
The notion that both partners must respect the same rules without taking into consideration individual needs and desires from each partner. For many, this rule-following model allows feeling justice in the agreement.
So … equity or equality?
Well, that really depends on your situation. No one style is necessarily better than anther. A lot will depend on your situation. You and your partner may have different negotiation structures for different relationships. What things are similar and what are different as we assess each of our relationships? We also have to ask ourselves why we instill certain rules and what are the motivations for them. Are we being supportive to the individuals in each of these relationships? Are we trying to protect the couples values or integrity? Are we trying to avoid our insecurities and protecting our egos? Being honest with ourselves and our partners about our motivation is key to making these negotiations and this life experience work for us as relationships grow and shift.
The big hurdle is trust. We are, very often, not alone in our struggles. When we understand each other, we can come to mutual decisions and choices that are in the best interest of all involved. It takes commitment to both understand and be understood. It takes time to build communication skills with new partners as all new is built upon things of our own past. It takes trust that when misunderstandings happen, all are doing their best. When everyone feels vulnerable, it is easy to only look at blame and forget to look for understanding and solutions. Often, when one is in crisis, others are also in crisis, or come into crisis as a direct or indirect result of the crisis of another in within their web of Polyamory.
We’re all in this together. It’s through honest communication and negotiation that we all try to get what we need. We all need Love and Understanding as a two way street. Being vulnerable to work through the rough spots takes a lot of effort by all involved. Polyamory is hard work, both internally and inter-personally.
Do:
Do – Understand that it is nearly impossible to attend to all partners equally, or even equitably, at all times.
Do – Look at how your partner is, and is not, meeting your needs.
Do – make time for a very direct conversation about what you need so you can find out if that is something your partner has to offer you.
Do – Be willing to negotiate. A little flexibility goes a long way when an aspect of a relationship needs attention.
Do – be ready to hear a clear and honest NO, as well as a clear and honest YES.
Do – Be clear when answering inquiries. Offer a clear “I don’t know” when “yes” or “no” does not yet fit. Make a clear effort to seek the information needed to to get to a clear YES or NO response.
Do – be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with your partner(s), when dealing with commodity that you have in limited supply, be that time, money, affection, or something others might not see as limited from their perspective.
Do – Be clear when your needs change and you no longer have something to offer, and include if you think this is temporarily or in a more long-term change.
Do – use respect and clear communication when requesting a negotiation of changes with your partner.
Don’t
Don’t – Avoid responsibility and accountability towards your existing partners.
Don’t – Avoid responsibility and accountability towards your new partners.
Don’t – Bury concerns. Worries kept to yourself do not get the benefit of partner or group solutions, and often evolve or devolve into anxiety or regrets.
Don’t – Be ambiguous when negotiating! Giving a detailed list of reasons of why you feel something will or will not work, without clarity of willingness toward finding solutions, is often not useful for the giver or the receiver.
Don’t – Keep a scorecard. Sometimes life is not fair. Keeping tally dampens passion and trust in relationships.
Two examples of “scorecards”
“You see me all the time – we live together. She only gets to see me eight hours in a week!” Analytical types may want to add up the hours spent sleeping, eating, engaged in family activities, etc., and then present a spreadsheet of their findings to their partner. You know, you may have committed to bigger things with a partner of longevity, like shared financial obligations, kids, family, chores, cooking and cleaning, laundry, household projects, yard work , or a business. You’re not really allowed to skirt your responsibilities or core commitments you’ve made to a domestic partner – just because your spreadsheet doesn’t total up.
“You live with him – he gets to see you all the time and I only see you eight hours a week!” Consequently, the new partner doesn’t get to redefine those obligations and thereby expect more time, or a re-alignment of those priorities. The new partner is contending for time and energy already committed to an established relationship. That should be clearly understood going into the relationship. Being the new guy can be awkward and requires work over duration of time to attain your own longevity.
Why love “more”, then?
Telling people to take a chance on love is like telling them to get wet when they shower: There is no other way. Romantic love can leave some terrible hours when you lie in bed alone, or next to the man or woman you share your life with, a person who, while claiming to love you, has let you down, disappointed you deeply, abandoned you when you were in great need. And, just as bad, you know you’ve done the same, and will again. If only perfect people loved, the species would have died before we got upright. And for all the pain and discomfort, and occasional boredom and unkindness, it’s still a chance worth taking. Maybe that is why people who are happy with their relationships talk about the bad times with the perspective and humor of successful gamblers, and people in unhappy relationships curse the cards, the dealers, and the stars. Maybe, it is about sharing the hardships and finding solutions together that makes relationships work, while blaming schedules, metamours, partners, and situations make relationships fail. Healthy relationships often take hard work.
It is also relevant to understand :
hierarchy vs non hierarchy vs anarchy:
http://www.relationship-anarchy.com/videos/2016/6/20/the-difference-between-relationship-anarchy-and-non-hierarchical-polyamory
boundaries vs rules:
Rules tell others what they can and cannot do, even if that person is not with you.
Personal boundaries let others know what they can and cannot do to you, and may include how you will step away if they do these actions.
Material boundaries determine what you do with your possessions. Are you okay with lending a book to someone? How about your car? How about sharing your space, finances, or residential property?
and couple privilege
Couple Privilege is something awarded you and your partner by Society. You have no choice about this. The moment you display signs of being a couple, you have attained a new level of privilege. You do, however, have free choice over how you treat new partners, potential partners, and metamours. Are you wielding your position as “partner” to prevent someone you love from freely loving who they love? Do you, as a couple, give a list of “take it or leave it” rules to new potential lovers? Do you openly listen to new potential partners when they have concerns about rules or boundaries they may not understand. Is there a way for new partners to ask for negotiation?
I chose the selected graphic as I feel it represents what I strive toward. I lean heavily toward equity with a dash of knowing that life happens and the very real understanding that some weeks nothing seems “fair”. I work on open communication, both understanding and being understood. We can only figure out which aspects need work when we have understanding and acceptance of where individuals and webs are managing, or are not managing. Then, we can begin the journey of finding the solutions as a group and as individuals. When a solution cannot be found, then we can see if we can build a work-around. Some days, there will be no extra boxes to stand on, and someone will be left with an emotional reaction.. The goal, however, is to reduce those hardship days and increase the weeks where all involved have a balance between interpersonal passion and alone time.
Reader, take note
Portions of this piece are taken from quite a few places on the internet, liberally interspersed with my own words and values. I could not find a link that said what I wanted to say, so I built one with eclectic searching and reading of the words of others. If you find a portion of this feels like you read it online somewhere, you may have. Many of the portions are altered to suite my views, therefore they are not “quoted”. The context in which it is presented here is my own self-seeking into solutions, away from blame and problem making. Crisis happens! Relationships are WORK! The work is so very worth the effort. The effort of recent weeks by those in my web is what prompted me to put together this piece … to look inside myself and examine my point of view in a way that I can present to those that I relate with in a way that, hopefully, builds strong bonds for me and my Web!
Portions and ideas taken from:
Oprah.com
multiamory.com
polysingleish.com/
polytripod.blogspot.com
sexcoupletherapy.com/
Also research BDSM: Exit Strategy. I am not suggesting that you will need an exit strategy, only that understanding this concept offers me the self-security of knowing that I will be okay, even if my Loving Relationships fail in such a huge way that I must remove myself from one or more partners. I have had to use an exit strategy in the past from an abuser. The concept is the same, but I feel much of the wording within the BDSM community strategies to be more loving and based upon a relationship that has changed in a way that no longer serves the people within that dynamic.
Kats-aFrass 